It's probably NORMAL!
We've all heard jokes about marriage or exclusive committed relationship ruining a perfectly good relationship. And it might even feel like that in your own relationship or in that of someone you care about. Why does something that starts out feeling so good seem to go downhill once you take that step of commitment? One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, although the intensity may vary from person to person and couple to couple.
You may notice that relationships with friends, a boss, a job, or an adopted child may follow a similar pattern; everything seems wonderful and then the "honeymoon" is over. Frustrations or hurt feelings begin to mount. In marriage or in a deeply committed love relationship, these stages take on new intensity. There is much more at stake when we make a commitment to spend our lives together to love and be loved.
So why does the love seem to go away? One of the culprits is that couples get stuck in one of the early stages and are no longer moving through them.
Take a look at the basic stages:
Stage I: Romantic Love: Convicted of LUI (Loving Under the Influence)
The Romantic Love stage often feels so good that you want it to last forever. In fact, you expect it to last forever! In a new job or a new love, everything seems perfect at first. When you see things that you don't like, you might deny or at least minimize them. You tend to go above and beyond what is required or expected. You feel energized, alive, and filled with new dreams. In romantic relationships, your heart is filled with love and you know that this person loves you. You both find many ways to show your love. When you're apart, you are thinking of one another. Everything feels right. Some people feel a sense of finally 'being home' or of being 'complete', feeling alive and connected.
What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your brain is flooded with feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and PEA (phenoethalymine). Chemically, it belongs to the type of drugs like amphetamines. However, the effect it has on behavior is similar to that of an endorphin. Like most endorphins, PEA increases energy, feelings of well being, positive outlook, and diminishes pain. It increases sexual desire. PEA is what allows you to skip meals and sleep. If you usually tend to be anxious, PEA may help you feel safe and calm. If you are usually depressed, you might have more energy and see things more positively. You believe that it is this other person that brings the best out in youat last you've found the one! In some ways you are loving 'under the influence!' So, enjoy if you are in this stage!! It is also the time when we glimpse the essence of the other because his or her defenses are down and that's who we fall in love with.
Stage II: Disappointment or Distress (also called the Power Struggle)
 I like to call this stage, " The Invitation to Growth." It's also a struggle for protection.
One of the biggest illusions in our culture is that Romantic Love will last forever, if you just find the right partner. We hear that love is supposed to continue happening 'naturally' and if you have to 'work' on it, it must not be real love. These illusions are one of the reasons our divorce rate remains around 50%! When people get stuck in this stage, they begin to think they are with the wrong person.
One reason for the let-down feeling is that PEA production begins to decline. And because we see the other person as the source of our good feelings, we blame them when we don't feel as good!
In this 2nd stage, you might start feeling anxious or disappointed. Things that you once liked about your partner have become sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You may ask, "What has happened to him/her/us?" There is a sense of betrayal or loss. What have you lost? PEA bliss. Defenses come back up as PEA diminishes and instead of relating to a person, you are usually relating to a protective pattern. It sometimes feels like love is dying. You begin thinking or saying things like: "If you would just. . ., then everything would be great. . ." OR, "Is this going to be what the rest of my life is like?" You become adversaries instead of partners. Frequently one or both partners engage in blame, criticism, sarcasm, put-downs. Anger and resentment can build. Sometimes it feels as if you are walking on eggshells. Little things seem to so easily turn into big things.
Winning and being right becomes more important than working together and co-creating the loving, fulfilling relationship you both want. Demonstrations of love, respect, appreciation decline and might even disappear first from neglect, and then because of hurt feelings. If enough distress builds up, you may just avoid your partner as much as you can. Or you may turn to someone else, to work, to children, or some other person or thing to attempt to meet your needs and avoid the distress.
For some couples this stage can get to the point of desperation where you've tried everything you know and it seems the only option is to get out --temporarily or permanently.
Too many couples give in to hopelessness and despair at this stage. And often well-meaning friends or family encourage you to get rid of your partner. Other couples try to just cope with it, resigning themselves to a workable living arrangement. Some stay together because of the kids, or because they are afraid people will judge them, or because of financial concerns, and end up living in the same house disconnected from one another.
GOOD NEWS! You are not meant to live in distress! That is NOT what marriage or any kind of committed relationship is meant to be! This stage can be the door to deeper connection and intimacy, and a fulfilling relationship -- if . . . you learn and use some of the tools to transform it into the path to real love.
Conflict is something trying to happen to help you and your partner realize more of your potential as individuals and as a couple! Conflict can be a door to healing and personal growth. Conflict is NOT the problem. What you do or don't do with it can be a big problem. Finding a new partner does not solve the 'problem' either . . . .because your journey to healing and growth needs to happen and you will for the most part recreate the same 'problems' and climate that you had before.
Stage III & IV: Knowledge, Awareness and Transformation:
This is the stage in which you not only recognize that your relationship can be more than it is, but also that you have the power to make real changes. You choose to become conscious and intentional, and begin a whole new chapter in co-creating the relationship you both dreamed of.
While one or both of you may continue to feel anxious, confused, afraid, and may resist making some of the changes, you take charge as partners of the direction of your happiness as a couple. And you do that best by taking charge of your own behavior. You start intentionally learning how to become the right partner.
In this stage you gain new information and insights about yourself, about your partner, and about the nature of marriage or relationship. You learn and practice new tools and skills to help you move forward.
Where do you get this information and skills?
1) Find a couple who has been happily married or partnered for 30 or more years and ask them the secrets of their happiness and what they did to get through the rough times.
2) Attend a Getting the Love You Want workshop (see info on our Website by clicking on the title). Or obtain private lessons, counseling or coaching from our Center or someone near you.
3) Focus on your OWN behavior. Look at some of the things you do that are not helpful to the relationship. What are you putting into the relationship climate? Does it cultivate the relationship or pollute it? Then begin taking one step at a time to change those things that don't cultivate it.
4) Read books that explain some of the information and tools. You can order one right now by clicking on the book CD symbol at the bottom of this page) . I highly recommend the following:
You may also want to visit our Relationship Success Bookstore for more books and tapes.
5) If you find that the new skills are not helping or think you might need some help, go to a counselor who focuses on teaching skills. A certified Imago Relationship Therapist is trained to do just that. You can find one at the international office in their Imago Therapist Directory.
Stage IV: Transformation
In this stage you practice the skills you are learning about communication, stretching into new behaviors, creating emotional safety, etc. You become partners in the healing and growth of the relationship. You hold in your mind and heart the vision of the relationship you want and you work each day to make it a reality. You also find that you are realizing your potential more in other parts of your life.
Stage V: Real Love
This is the stage of deep respect and cherishing of one another as separate and unique individuals. It is a stage of joy, passion, intimacy, happiness and having fun together. It is the stage of living out the vision of true partnership, unconditional love and safety, and of coming to see your partner as your best friend. It is the stage of moving toward the spiritual potential of committed relationship the journey toward wholeness, the love in which you taste Divine Love in whatever way you imagine or language that.
Know that this Real Love is possible for you if you are both willing to do the work it requires. It never 'just happens by itself.' If you need help, get it! Don't settle for a plateau or mediocrity. Don't throw away your relationship because it feels uncomfortable or looks difficult. You will most likely only repeat the process in the next relationship. (Certainly, if you are in a physically abusive relationship, you need to protect yourself and your children and there are many groups to help you.) But remember, most divorces and breakups of committed relationships do not need to happen. You can make marriage or your committed relationship a gift for yourself, your partner, and your children. What a legacy to leave them and your world! If you need help to take your next steps, call, e-mail us, or explore our Website for workshops and services.
For additional information on Imago Relationship Therapy, visit our Marriage and Relationship Articles section.
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