Your reaction to divorce is yours. While there are common stages, how you go through them depends on you. Having knowledge and tools can help you navigate your way through treacherous waters, but will not magically take away the pain or fear.
The dangers you face in each stage are:
1) avoiding having to face or feel what you feel -- you take the 'stiff upper lip' approach, numb out, live in your head, act as if nothing's wrong or that it's no big deal. You keep pushing painful feelings and thoughts aside.
2) getting stuck in the feelings, fears, betrayal, etc. and prolonging them.
Part of the challenge throughout this process is to experience the natural process of grief, rage, and letting go, while at the same time realizing that you do need to take back some of your power. Your feelings and thoughts are not the boss (even when they seem to be!) You are the person doing the work of grief and creating your life.
COMMON STAGES: (These stages are given a variety of names by different authors, but the progression is the same.)
Know that it is common to move back and forth between stages. Grieving rarely goes in a straight line!
Denial:
You can't believe the relationship is over or that this is happening to you. There must be some mistake!
Shock:
You might feel pain, numbness, feeling out of control, feeling like you're going crazy. You may experience mood swings, panic, rage, relief, optimism, freedom, despair, anxietyjust about any emotion you can think of! This stage may go on for months.
Common fears include "how will I survive" (financially, emotionally, physically, etc); fears about the intensity of feelings; fears about being unloveable or never able to love again; fears that you will never get through the pain, that this is how you will feel the rest of your life! You may feel panicked about the future. You might fear what other people think of you.
Confusion/Rollercoaster:
The feelings, thoughts, questions go around and around and around and never seem to settle down.
There is a great need to try to make sense of what has happened. Why did it happen? What did I do? What's wrong with me? Was there ever real love in our relationship?
Your brain will invent numerous stories to try to make sense of it. Your imagination may run wild.
You may blame yourself for everything. You may blame your spouse for everything. You may blame other people, work, kids, in-laws, Godall as part of searching for sense.
You may question your own judgement about people and life.
Thoughts about what happened will keep intruding. It may feel as though you can never stop thinking about it. You will tend to re-hash it over and over and over.
You may feel incompetent, inadequate. Depression may settle in. You may find yourself crying for little or no reason at times and places you don't expect to. It may seem as though your crying will never stop.
Hope and bargaining:
There is a desire and a belief that somehow it will still work out and the relationship will be reconciled. You might think of all the ways you are willing to change or things you are willing to do and that if you could just do these, the relationship will be healed. Part of the challenge of this stage is to recognize that no matter what you do, say, think, want, you cannot control the other person.
Letting Go of the Old Relationship:
Realizing and accepting that the relationship is truly over and can never be the way it was again. Even if you continue to co-parent, the relationship will need to be completely different than the old. Doing the groundwork for forgiveness that includes naming, claiming the injuries, blaming, balancing and finally choosing to forgive in steps. Liberates YOU from the past.
Growth and emergence:
Gradually the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions begins to even out. Some of the intensity decreases. You begin to notice that you can make a difference in your own life, that you can create a fulfilling life for yourself after this experience. You begin to make plans. You take more action. You try new interests and discover more of your strengths and talents. You develop areas of yourself that you thought were weaknesses. You feel some fears, but you go forward in spite of them. You move out of focusing solely on the past. You move from pain into possibility. You begin to let go of thoughts, beliefs, blame that keep you locked in the past. You discover more of your own power.
What if you are the one that left?
Some of the things that leavers frequently experience may include some of the stages listed above. This usually starts for the leaver while still in the marriage. Other concerns leavers express are:
Lack of support or understanding of your pain, guilt, sadness, fears, etc.
Misunderstanding of what you did do to try to save the relationship, feeling you could have tried harder.
Feeling like a failure especially when you may have tried to change your behavior and were unsuccessful.
Wondering if it was the right decision.
Fear of rejection from children, friends, family.
Fear of being blamed for everything that led to the breakdown of the marriage.
Feeling lost, alone and wanting to jump into another relationship to ease the pain.
See our Resources for a Personal Growth links section
DISCLAIMER Disclaimer: Information, observations, and opinions are offered for general reference only and should not be misconstrued as counseling advice, diagnosis or psychotherapy. Base your treatment or decisions solely upon the recommendations of your your own psychotherapist, counselor or physician or your own choices. By using this site, you signify full acceptance of our Terms of Use.
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