Preschool Age:
Afraid of being abandonedif one parent can disappear, you might too. May have extreme fears of something bad happening to remaining parent (dying, etc.)
Have little or no concept of time and distance, saying "Mommy /Daddy will come next Monday to visit" doesn't mean much.
Children this age are totally dependent on parents and don't know how to comfort themselves. Sometimes they don't want to let you out of their sight. They may 'regress' to earlier behaviors like sucking their thumb, wetting the bed, wanting pacifier or security blanket/toy, hitting smaller children or animals, irritability, crying, masturbating, etc. Nightmares are common. Sometimes think because they did something wrong or bad, parents got divorced.
Need alot of reassurance that custodial parent is 'here' and won't leave them. Also helpful to let them know other parent still loves them and will see them.
Elementary school age:
Frequently feel torn between loyalty to both parents, may feel rejected by parent who leaves home, and often feel guilty for having caused the breakup. Afraid of losing the parent who left forever and afraid that parent will get a new little boy or girl or dog that s/he will love more. Frequently feel they have to take sides with one parent against the other.
Child may feel sad and worry about parent's love for them and about absent parent.
Decline in school performance is common due to worry and thinking about loss, difficulty concentrating.
Tell your child's school guidance counselor and teacher. While you might feel embarrassed or awkward, adults at the school can be a big help in giving your child the support s/he needs during this difficult time. Some elementary school guidance counselors have either groups for children experiencing divorce in which they can process their feelings and fears and get support, or are willing to see the child on a one-to-one basis to provide understanding and support.
Late elementary and middle school age:
Children at this age look to their parents for stability and have great fears that the parents 'instability' and breakup will impact the child's dreams and plans.
Children this age are frequently intensely anger with one or both parents and may blame one or the other. They experience anxiety, anger, loneliness, feeling that no one can understand, powerlessness.
Children may try to take sides with one parent against the other that the child 'blames' for the divorce. May also try to become a caretaker for the parent who seems most devastated and feel they have to provide constant care and support for the parent to survive. (This is not healthy for the child or the parent!)
Children this age may complain of various physical ailments like headaches, stomachaches. May act out by stealing, vandalism, lying, manipulating, playing one parent against the other, sudden changes in school performance.
Teen years:
Adolescence is a time that children need firm limits and boundaries and divorce frequently collapses the security of structure and stability. They, too, worry about how it will impact them and their plans for the future. Frequently see parents consumed by own problems and feel like they are on their own.
Sometimes see rejection of one or both parents, turning more to peers, sometimes sexual acting out.
Older teens and college age worry about how they are going to handle important events like graduation, weddings, etc. They need to feel free to invite one or both parents if desired and be able to count on their parents being able to be civil in the same room without causing a scene.
Children of various ages frequently feel ashamed of a divorce in the family and may try to conceal it from others. Children report feeling 'different' from other kids.
Remember that a child of any age also has to go through a process of griefdenial, anger, sadness, withdrawal, anxiety, etc. just as you do. Your job as parents is to support them through the process. Family and friends may be helpful and providing another source of support. Teachers, school counselors, Scout leaders, coaches, church, groups for kids experiencing divorce, and counseling are all resources for you to help your children.
Understand that both for you and the children, the healing process will take at least 2-3 years.
You will need to have discussions with children on numerous occasions to reassure them and clarify the situation for them. Understand that their fears and angers are normal. Make it safe for them to discuss their feelings and concerns openly with you.
See our Resources for a Personal Growth links section
DISCLAIMER Disclaimer: Information, observations, and opinions are offered for general reference only and should not be misconstrued as counseling advice, diagnosis or psychotherapy. Base your treatment or decisions solely upon the recommendations of your your own psychotherapist, counselor or physician or your own choices. By using this site, you signify full acceptance of our Terms of Use.
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