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If you are ending your marriage or relationship and have children, remember in all communication that it is essential that you work together for their welfare. Don't drag in your old issues and need to have it only your way! The loser in poor parental communication and inability to come to agreements is not your ex--it's your children. Don't make your children pawns in your conflict or resentment.
1. If you need help discussing issues, seek out the help of a counselor and/or mediator.
2. Separate the marriage/partnership relationship from the parent relationship. Now those are two separate roles.
3. Treat dealings with your former spouse/partner as a business transaction. Make an appointment, keep it, be on time. Dress appropriately for the appointment. Meet in a neutral place like a restaurant. Stick to the issues at hand. Do not prolong the ending.
4. Work to come up with clear guidelines about roles, decisions, visitation, etc. re: children.
5. Make a list of topics need to discuss and schedule meetings instead of frequent phone calls. Minimize unscheduled contact. If possible, send list of questions, concerns to other parent beforehand.
6. Discuss one topic at a time until some resolution is achieved. Do not bring in the past or other topics.
7. Do not attempt to discuss issues when either person is under influence of drugs or alcohol.
8. Schedule times to talk and define purpose of meeting. Then stick to it.
9. Avoid name-calling, blaming, cursing, criticism. Do not yell.
10. Understand that your perspective is only one point of view. It is not the only one. Really try to understand the other person's concerns and desires. Listen and work to come to an agreement that will work for both parties.
11. Use a structured form of communication such as Intentional Dialogue to discuss difficult issues. Structure helps keep focus and makes it safer for both people to both speak and be heard. You might want to modify the Basic Dialogue, by stating issue to be discussed (instead of frustration), what your desires are, and what your concerns are. After both have had the chance to be the Sender, find a way to make it a Win-Win solution that addresses both party's needs and concerns as much as possible.
Get help from a licensed counselor or a mediator when you need it to learn better communication skills for volatile issues.
See our Resources for a Personal Growth links section
DISCLAIMER Disclaimer: Information, observations, and opinions are offered for general reference only and should not be misconstrued as counseling advice, diagnosis or psychotherapy. Base your treatment or decisions solely upon the recommendations of your your own psychotherapist, counselor or physician or your own choices. By using this site, you signify full acceptance of our Terms of Use.
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