--Relationship Vision for New Year (Personal and Workplace)
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RELATIONSHIP VISION FOR NEW YEAR
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Many of you involved with personal or professional success coaching have realized the importance of creating a clear vision for your life and your career. You create a picture of what your preferred future would look like. By doing that, you begin laying out the road map to get there. Action steps flow out of that vision.
Often people that come to me have made visions for themselves or their company--but not one has come with a vision for their personal or professional relationships. Relationships are too important to leave to chance. And leaving them to chance diminishes the degree of intentionality you bring to them.
The beginning of the New Year is the perfect time to take stock and create the map toward healthy and happy relationships! No matter how good a relationship is, or how much improvement it needs, a working vision can make it better. Instead of leaving you in a passive or resigned role, your vision puts you in charge of creating the future you want.
What are the steps for creating a relationship vision? These are based on the work of Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and others. For a great resource on writing a personal vision or mission statement, read Stephen Covey's, First Things First.
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
1) Start with your most significant relationship. If you are in a committed love relationship, start with that one! (You can later list other important relationships (children, best friends, difficult in-law, etc.)
Think carefully about your relationship with that person.
Consider some of the following areas:
Verbal and non-verbal expressions of love and care; expressions of appreciation; ways of handling frustrations or hurts that bring you closer together instead of driving you apart; ability to own your mistakes; ability to acknowledge when you may have hurt the other person (even if you didn't mean to) without defensiveness; general levels of defensiveness; ability to respect differing opinions and move forward; personal and relational growth; closeness; autonomy; including partner in decisions; taking responsibility for open communication; ability to put your own 'movie' aside long enough to truly understand the other person's experience; faithfulness/loyalty; romance and fun; sexuality & sensuality; honoring and prizing each other; support; listening skills; shared activities; and other areas.
What is great?
What needs improvement?
Honestly, what are the things YOU do (or fail to do) that contribute to any tensions / difficulties or dissatisfaction in the relationship?
Write those things down.
If you are with a life partner, invite him or her to do the same process. Co-creating a shared vision can be even more effective. But even if they don't want to do it, you continue doing your own vision!
2) Then write down a series of short sentences that express elements of your vision of a fulfilling, and deeply satisfying relationship with that person. What would that relationship look like?
Write each sentence in the present tense (whether or not it actually is part of your relationship now) AND write it in the positive.
Example: Instead of writing "Stop all criticism" you might write: "We express our opinion respectfully after we listen without interrupting." Instead of "We don't argue" you might put something like: "We settle our differences calmly and respectfully."
Other examples of statements: " We feel safe with each other." "We communicate openly and constructively." "We enjoy a satisfying sexual life with one another." "We share a rich spiritual life." "We have daily 'alone' time." "We have financial security." "We work to make the world better."
3) Share your statements with your partner. Put a check mark next to the items you and your partner have in common (even if you use somewhat different words to express it). If one of you has an item the other didn't think of, but agrees with, put a check mark next to that one too. Then, each of you put a star next to the 3 checked items that are most important to you.
Ignore the items you don't agree on at this point.
4) Together write a common vision, using the checked items and putting the starred items at the top. Type it up in a nice font on your computer and put it on the refrigerator or someplace you will see it each day.
5) Then EACH day, read it and DO one action that will help you realize something on that list.
Example: "We settle our differences peacefully." One action step for a day might be to commit to listening without interrupting and checking your understanding of the other person's point of view before offering your own viewpoint. Keep in mind the motto: "Seek first to understand before being understood." You might do the same thing the next day--some people like to commit to one action for at least a week. Then try a new action. You can always repeat actions!!!!
WORK RELATIONSHIPS:
1) Essentially you do the same process. You can start with the relationship that needs the most improvement, or with the person you interact with most often.
2) Evaluate and write down as above. Some of the areas you might consider are: listening; openness; respect; handling differences of opinion; ability to communicate understanding of the other's view or experience when different from your own; ability to 'keep the relationship clean' (not carry grudges or resentments); appreciation; clarity and specificity in communication; humor; cooperation; openness to feedback; understanding and use of methods of feedback that work best for the other person (and you)--check it out with them if you don't know!; healthy boundaries (not meddling where you don't belong and vice versa), defensiveness; and others.
3) While in some situations it is not practical to invite the other person to also do a vision, it can be very rewarding for both of you if both parties make a commitment to a shared vision! If the person is willing, do it as indicated in the Personal Relationship section of this newsletter.
4) Once you create the vision, alone or together, READ IT EACH DAY and each day commit to taking one specific ACTION to help make it a reality.
PERSONAL & WORKPLACE:
Throughout this year, review your visions every 3 months. During your review you might add to or adjust your vision. Then make a commitment to take it to the next level and begin taking daily actions that are more of a stretch for you, but that will help you realize your vision more effectively.
For a great resource on writing a personal vision or mission statement, read Stephen Covey's, First Things First.
Your relationship vision will help keep you conscious and intentional in creating your relationships and your preferred future -- instead of leaving you unconsciously reacting to them.
Let me know how it goes! Have a wonder-filled month!
Dawn
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